Good conversations have lots of doorknobs

Good conversations work like improv: they need a steady stream of "doorknobs"-small, graspable affordances that let each participant jump in or hand off the spotlight. The author describes a technique from musical improv called "take-and-take of focus" and extends it to everyday dialogue, arguing that the real problem is not whether you give or take, but whether you create and respond to these conversational affordances.

The piece distinguishes two styles: givers, who treat conversation as a series of invitations, and takers, who treat it as a series of declarations. When two givers or two takers interact, the flow feels natural. When a giver meets a taker, the giver can feel resentful for being asked too many questions while the taker enjoys the attention, leading to friction. The author suggests that both sides need to master the art of offering and accepting doorknobs to avoid these mismatches.

Affordances appear as digressions, bold claims, or intimate disclosures that invite a clear response. Examples include turning a mundane comment about a dog into a surprising personal story, or framing a question that sparks a vivid reaction. The faster and more obvious the affordance, the quicker the partner can reply, creating a rapid-fire rapport that feels like floating.

Psychological biases-egocentrism, the belief that people want to hear about our exciting exploits, and the fear of deep self-disclosure-often block the creation of doorknobs. The author cites research showing people prefer rapid, affordance-rich exchanges and that structured self-disclosure exercises (like the 36-question protocol) can jump-start friendship by forcing the use of these affordances.

For technical leaders, the takeaway is practical: deliberately craft conversational hooks-unexpected but relevant details, open-ended yet specific prompts-and listen for the partner's doorknobs. Doing so improves meeting dynamics, one-on-one coaching, and cross-functional brainstorming by turning stagnant dialogue into collaborative momentum.