How to coach your team (without making them defensive)

When you tell someone 'you are X,' their immediate reaction is to prove you wrong. It doesn't matter if you're right - they're too busy defending themselves to hear your actual point. The fix is deceptively simple: frame observations as observations, not declarations about someone's core identity. Say 'you come across as lacking emotional regulation' instead of 'you lack emotional regulation.' The difference matters more than it sounds like it should. One statement invites defensiveness and debate. The other shares your interpretation of their behavior, which is harder to argue with because you're not claiming special insight into their soul - you're just reporting what you see. This is especially critical when coaching hyper-rational tech operators who will immediately spot logical overreach and derail the entire conversation debating your premise instead of hearing your feedback. The same precision applies to predictions and assertions. 'X will Y' implies certainty you probably don't have. 'X tends to Y' is more accurate and gives you room to be wrong without losing credibility. When you say someone 'seems like' they lack emotional regulation 'when they do X specific thing,' you've narrowed your claim to something observable and specific. Most people actually want to know how they're perceived by others - they just don't want to be told who they fundamentally are by someone who only sees them at work. The author knew a CEO who would tell people 'I know you better than you know yourself.' The CEO often had good insights, but people were too annoyed by the presumption to listen. Don't give people anything to get distracted by. Speak accurately, stay specific, and your feedback has a much better chance of landing.